Eating Crow
by Ventisquear
Summary: Ah, Zevran. Flirting with Hawke? And Isabela? And everyone else? What about the Warden, hm? Airam is really annoyed... oneshot


Airam is my Warden from _Failed to Fail_ series and some other stories.

Thanks to **Brelaina**, my ridiculously awesome Beta.

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><p><strong>Eating Crow<strong>

If only his dear Warden was here... Zevran cursed and put another poultice on his wound. To come without Airam, he decided, was easily the most stupid idea he had ever had. It had been too long since he fought without his crazy mage to help him. They were a team, and to suddenly have to fight alone was difficult.

But it was not safe for Airam to come with him. Everywhere they went, they were soon followed by hunters. If Airam hadn't been promoted to the First Warden and didn't have the secret support of every Warden in Thedas, they would be long dead by now. Damned Crows couldn't choose worse time to start trouble. How many times did he need to exterminate them, till they realized it was better to leave him alone? Ah well, some people never learn. The Crows now had three Masters less. All that was left to do was to get rid of Nuncio.

That wouldn't be such a problem, but he was warned that Nuncio hired a group of very skilled mercenaries in Kirkwall. And he was alone. Or was he? Hmmm… perhaps it was time to visit Marethari… Let the mercenaries come. He would give them a reception they would not forget until their death. Which would not take very long, anyway.

oOo

_Brasca_. This was much worse than he expected. He would skin that _cretino_ in Kirkwall for not telling him that it was the damned Champion herself who was hired to catch him. The damned woman was almost as scary as Airam. And her companions were not too shabby, either. Especially that warrior elf with the strange tattoos, but the dwarf with the crossbow and the tiny elf mage were pretty good as well. Killing the Vaterral that easily… No, he could not fight them alone. But perhaps he could convince them not to kill him immediately. They could take him to the Crows, if they wished – once he had Nuncio within his reach, he would find some way to kill him and get away. It would work out. It always did.

With that as a vague plan, he stepped out of the shadows and loudly applauded. "_Bravissimo_, Champion. That was truly an awesome fight."

Everyone quickly turned to face him, and the tattooed elf readied his huge sword – how could someone so small wield that huge weapon? It seemed even bigger than Sten's Assala. The Champion, however, looked quite unimpressed. Mildly surprised, but that was all. Just like Airam when they met for the first time. Were all mages so annoyingly self confident, or was it just his luck? After all, his Airam was the Hero of Ferelden, a living legend, an elf mage who had slain the Archdemon and lived (and there were many wild guesses how, but none as wild as the truth). And this was the Champion of Kirkwall, a woman who defeated the mighty Arishok. Not quite the level of Airam, perhaps, but still a power to consider.

And, he had to admit, rather good looking. In a nice dress, with her hair down and arranged in a fashionable way, and with a bit of makeup, she would be really beautiful. His eyes glistened at the mental image. The tattooed elf noticed it and growled angrily. Ah, were they lovers? This could be amusing.

"Are you the criminal Nuncio is looking for?" the Champion asked .

"Ah yes, that would be me. Zevran Arainai, at your service. I admit, I am honoured that the Champion herself would come to catch me."

"How do you know who I am?"

"Who wouldn't? A powerful woman, young and beautiful, who defeated the mighty Arishok in a duel. The name Hawke is famous far beyond Kirkwall, my dear Champion."

She still looked unimpressed. "You are very glib for someone in your position," she said.

He laughed. "Yes, I get that often. It is my way. So, if I may ask, what would you like to do with me? Kill me? Take me to Nuncio? Or you could keep me for fun, if you wanted."

"You want to give in without the fight?" she asked, narrowing her eyes. "From what Nuncio said, I expected a very strong resistance."

"Oh, I would resist, if you were an average mercenary. But I know when I am overpowered. I am sure you are just as royally tough to kill as my dear Warden. And utterly gorgeous, if I may be so bold. Not that I expect you'll respond to simple flattery, of course. So I would rather take my chance against Nuncio and his Crows. Unless you decide to keep me for yourself, of course… I have many talents. I could warm your bed, or fend off unwanted suitors," he said, with a small wink.

"Nuncio is a Crow?" she said, completely ignoring everything else he said.

Quite unlike the tattooed elf, who was now glowing – literally. Those tattoos were obviously more than they seemed to be… Judging by the light blue glow, he guessed there was lyrium involved. Interesting. He would have to investigate it later. Airam would definitely want to hear about that.

"Oh, so you've heard about the Crows? Yes, Nuncio is one of them. Just like I used to be once. I decided to quit when I met my Warden, and they could never get over it. No wonder – I used to be the best lover in Antiva, you know."

"When you say 'Warden', do you mean _The _Warden, the one who stopped the Blight?" the dwarf asked.

"That would be him, yes."

"I admit, I heard about the renegade Crow who joined the Wardens and even helped them to fight the Archdemon." The dwarf was looking at him with increased interest. "I'm sure you have an interesting story to tell."

"Indeed. But it is rather long, and I prefer to tell it in a nice inn with a mug of good ale," he chuckled. "Perhaps there will be more time once I deal with Crows, yes? If our lovely Champion lets me live, that is."

"I'm not going to kill you," she replied, which seemed to annoy the tattooed elf quite a lot. "And I'm not going to take you to the Crows, either. I won't help the Crows to get one of the Demonslayers. I'm Fereldan as well, after all."

"An excellent decision, Champion! But I must warn you – the Crows are more dangerous than you think. They are not tolerant to people who fool them and they never leave any loose ties. I suggest you deal with them – before they have a chance to harm you. Long live our charming King Alistair and may he always have plenty of cheese."

He bowed down and turned to walk away, feeling their stares on his back.

"What do you think that was supposed to mean?" he heard the tattooed elf ask, and barely suppressed his chuckle.

This went much better than he expected. And with little luck, they would bring him straight to Nuncio, as well.

oOo

He was not disappointed. Hawke obviously didn't like to delay things. She agreed with her little band of misfits to pay Nuncio a visit immediately the next day. He spent the rest of the day trying to learn more about them, and the results were more than pleasing. Yes, they would be able to deal with the Crows without any more problems.

The next day, he was waiting near the city gates, hidden in the shadows, to be sure he wouldn't miss them. There they were – the dwarf, Varric; the tattooed elf Fenris; the tiny elf mage Merrill, and – _Isabela_.

Well now… this should be interesting.

Surprisingly, nobody noticed he was following them. The dwarf probably suspected something, looking around every now and then, but didn't see him. Amazing. Was he still a Crow, and Hawke his target, she wouldn't survive half an hour. But he wasn't. That's what this was all about, no?

The Crows looked surprised when they saw her coming, immediately getting into the stance he knew so well – seemingly relaxed, but ready to start fighting any second.

"Champion. So you managed to get the criminal? Is he dead?"

"Yes, I did. And no, he is not. I let him go. Was that a wrong thing to do?"

Oh, he liked that woman. If only Airam was here, they would become friends immediately. Nuncio, on the other hand, did not seem to share his admiration of Hawke.

"And you dare to just walk in here and tell me that? Nobody fools the Crows and lives to tell the tale!"

Laughing, he stepped out of shadows. "Ah, my dear Nuncio, but you never told this gorgeous lady that you are a Crow, no? And besides, am I not the living proof that what you said is not true at all?"

"Excellent. Now I can kill two birds with one stone! You and Champion both die here!"

"Oh, looking around I would say more than just two birds will die here. Why do you still think that the Crows can do anything to people like my Warden or the Champion?"

"Well, they're _Crows_. Bird brains!" Isabela lauged. "Nice to see you again, Zevran. I knew it was you. There is only one former Crow that offers the bed warming at the first meeting."

"Ah, you know me, Isabela. Why waste time that can be spent in more pleasant ways, no?"

"Before you two get it on," interrupted Hawke, "could we please kill these birdbrains first?"

"Gorgeous _and_ deadly," he laughed. "I am completely at your service."

oOo

Just as he expected, with Hawke and her friends on his side, the fight was rather easy. Soon all the Crows were dead; Nuncio was the first one to fall. Good riddance.

"How invigorating that was," he grinned at the Champion. "Thank you for your help, Champion. I apologize if it seems I tricked you, but I could not have defeated the Crows by myself."

"The Crows are slavers. And it is always pleasure to kill slavers," she snorted.

"Well now. With these _cretini_ out of the way, perhaps we could get to know each other better?" He smiled, and that was finally too much for Fenris.

"That depends on how long you want to live," he barked angrily.

"Ah, but my dear friend, I did not mean to leave you out. I have nothing against a threesome," Zevran answered with a pleasant smile, running his eyes over the elf's body. "Especially with such marvellous specimen."

As he expected, Fenris blushed fiercely and started glowing light blue again. But before he could rip off his head, Isabela stomped her foot angrily.

"What, you would leave _me_ out? That is so not fair."

"I would not dream of it, Isabela. Leaving you out would be like cooking without spices. Is there anyone else who wants to join? I am quite flexible," he purred.

Fenris just grabbed his sword, when a white dot appeared on his hand. It melted away almost immediately, but two more appeared. And then more and more followed.

"What in the Void is this?"

"That would be snow, Broody. But why is it snowing here, and in the middle of summer, I have no idea," replied Varric, looking up to the sky. Just a minute ago, it was clear and bright blue. Now there were thick white clouds – and it was _snowing_.

Varric couldn't know it, but it was quite clear to Zevran. Of all the times, his Warden had to appear _now_. And it appeared the crazy mage didn't like his conversation with Hawke. It was just a matter of seconds till this snowing turned into Airam's infamous blizzard. Antivans, for example, would discuss the one Airam unleashed there for next fifty years. At least.

"_Amore mio_! Where are you?" He turned around, but he couldn't see Airam anywhere.

"So it is the work of a mage," muttered Fenris, voice full of spite, "I should have known."

"It's not just any mage," said Isabela. "If it is who I think it is, then –"

"Air! Show yourself and stop this! It was just a jest! A jest!"

"Stop yelling. I can hear. And see."

He turned to the voice, and there he was – leaning against the nearby tree. How could he not see him before?

Hawke and Fenris grabbed their weapons again. He couldn't really blame them – standing there, with his face shadowed by a deep hood, and a whirl of snow around his legs, Airam really looked ominous.

And _so_ sexy.

"Ah! _Bello mio!_ I am so glad to see you again," he said laughing, and he would have liked to move to Airam, but his legs refused to move. Confused, he looked down, and found out his legs were in a block of ice. Ouch. It seemed he really pissed Airam off.

"Yes, I could see and hear how much you missed me," snorted Airam, before turning to Hawke. "I apologize for the interruption, Champion. I assure you that I don't mean any harm to you or your friends."

"Or me," Zevran added. "Yes?"

"Oh, don't worry. Turning into an ice statue doesn't hurt."

"You would not do that!"

"No? And what should I do, then? What should I do with you, you silly assassin? I get the message that you're in trouble, so I leave everything be, run to your rescue, and what do I find, when I get here? What do I find, Zevran?"

He would prefer it if Airam was angry, if he yelled at him, or even freeze him, anything but hearing this cold disappointment in his voice.

"I find you offering yourself for group sex with anyone willing."

Said like that, it sounded truly awful. "But surely you must have realized it was just a jest! You know me, _amore_. I would never be unfaithful to you. I did not really mean to act on it."

"You certainly sounded serious enough to me," muttered Fenris.

"Come on, _bello mio_. I am _yours_. You are not doubting that?"

"But yesterday you said you will serve Hawke," peeped Merrill, and he immediately regretted Nuncio didn't manage to kill her at least. "That you will warm her bed."

"Because I wanted her to help me with the Crows! Surely you understand that? You are all very beautiful and charming ladies – and gentlemen, of course – but just not quite enough for me to betray my dear Warden."

He didn't even finish saying it, when he regretted it. "Wait. L-let me rephrase that…"

"If I may have a word with you, Warden… I think he deserves a lesson. And I think I know _exactly_ what to do…"

_Ah, Zevran, what did you get yourself into now_, he thought as Isabela whispered something in Airam's ear. Something was telling him he was not going to like it.

oOo

_Three days. Only three more days_, he repeated under his breath, as he cleaned the chamber pot and took it back.

A house full of women, that's how Isabela described it to him, to the great amusement of everyone else. A house full of women that would be so glad to have a handsome young elf taking care of them.

And a fool he was, he joked that that it wasn't a punishment, but a reward.

What he didn't know, was that it was a hospital for old ill noble women. And that 'taking care' consisted of washing them, massaging their old, flabby bodies, cleaning their chamber pots… and enduring their lecherous comments.

Oh well. He brought this on himself, he knew that. And it _did_ cure him of his flirtations for a long time.

But Isabela… oh, _Isabela_. He had already reserved a place for her here…


End file.
